I'm not sure what first triggered it. I think it was when I looked at Wes' paycheck and said "Hey, we're missing a hundred bucks this month!" Come to find out, the government apparently doesn't have enough of our money so they decided to take some more! This left a really bad taste in my mouth. I must have missed WHY they were taking more money out of checks so in the end it just felt like we were being stolen from. Pair that with already having to cut down our budget about $40 a month at the beginning of this year and I bet you can guess what happened;
I decided we were poor.
I moped around for a few days wavering between anger, pity and fear. I just felt helpless for the first time in a long time. When Wes and I overspend, it doesn't hit me so hard because I know there's always another month to do better. But when you already feel like you're living on a tight budget and then have someone come and "pull the rug"out from under you, that's a different story. Now, I do want to say I know we are not poor. Not even close to it. I know we live in the most blessed country in the world and that we are richer than about 95% of the world's population. I know this in my head, but my heart was saying "That's all well and good but what happens when you have unexpected expenses that you can't pay for? What are you going to do then?" Fear began to grip my heart. I started thinking about it constantly and worrying about things that we had already committed to. Should we really go on that vacation? Should we really be buying the kids more clothes? Should we really buy the kids presents for their birthdays or just put a little money into their college funds? (My kids would burn me at the stake if they knew I was thinking about that one!)
Then I went to my Father's house. I can't tell you exactly what the pastor said but I left with this thought going through my head, "Do I really believe what I say I believe?" Do I believe that God loves me? Yes. Do I believe that He has guided my path these past 31 years? Definitely. Do I believe His Word when He says "See how I take care of the birds of the air and the lilies of the field? How much more will I take care of you, my beloved child?" I had to say YES! I do believe that.
And with that, I was reminded that NOTHING happens that God doesn't know about and control. He works our lives together for HIS good. Will there be painful times? Times where God doesn't make sense or seem to fit into the picture of what we had of Him? Most assuredly. But think of how much comfort we can take in knowing that the Being who knit us together in our mother's womb is still the One who is watching over and providing for us today. I was so encouraged that God brought me to this place and I hope it's a place that I can stay and camp out in for the rest of my life; resting in Him instead of my own understanding. I hope that if you are struggling with fear or trying to understand God's will in difficult circumstances, instead of pulling away from God, you will draw nearer to Him. He will be our Refuge and Strength if we just allow Him to.
Has anyone else struggled with hard times lately? You are not alone!
Ps. While writing this post, I have thought about a half dozen close friends or family members who are going through things 100 times worse than me and I started doubting that I should even write this blog because I feel like my struggles are pea-sized in comparison. But in the end, I think that we can find encouragement in sharing our struggles, no matter how big or small!
3 comments:
Amen!! So good to know we're not the only ones worrying about the petty things (or the only ones being robbed by the government...) Love you, girl!
Finances are not petty. However, I wish I could say I was being robbed by the government... I do like to complain about taxes, but I just filed our taxes and our effective federal income tax rate was less than 1% of our income. It's the social security tax that catches everyone. It's almost 6% of your income. With the return of the 2% break we had been receiving the past couple years it did feel like we were being ripped off. Nonetheless, I think most people would agree we don't want disabled and elderly people going without an income. Most of them struggle so much as it is... maybe the Warren Buffets and those with income sources of 100k (or some other arbitrary amount) or more a year should be denied their benefits to help preserve those monies for people that really need them?
Good points Dusten. We just did our taxes too and you're right, we didn't owe anything. I guess it's just us getting too comfortable with tax cuts that aren't permanent and then not being prepared to have taken away.
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