Tell him. Tell her.

(Note: As I write personal posts like this, please don't think that I am putting myself out as the example. I'm just trying to live my life and pass along things that I have learned along the way.)

I don't know if this has ever happened to you, but this used to happen to me when I first got married; I would catch Wes looking out into space, looking particularly thoughtful. Here's what I thought was going on in his head:

Stacy's version of Wes' head: Wow, I am a lucky guy! I am married to a great wife, I have a blessed life. I should do something special to show her exactly how I feel. Maybe roses? No, she might prick her finger and I would do anything to keep her from pain. How about a cruise? No, that's not special enough and she might get sea sick! I think maybe a trip to Europe is in order. I will surprise her for our one year anniversary....yes, that's what I will do.

Real version in Wes' head: Wow, I am a lucky guy! I married a great girl. And she can cook! Haha. That's funny now she has the last name of Cook. Too bad she doesn't make Chinese food though. It's her one flaw. Man, I love Chinese buffets. I always eat too much though and then I regret it. I keep burping it for days. But that bourbon chicken is really good. Oh and I love that General Tso's too! Maybe I should have been born in China.

Then comes the inevitable question from me, "What are you thinking about sweetie?" "Oh nothing," he says. But determining he had to be thinking about me, I would say "I want to know what's going on in your head! Please tell me what you're thinking!" Alright, he says.

"Chinese food."

"Chinese food?? Are you serious?? Do you always think about Chinese food? You need to start thinking about more important things....like our LLLIIIIVVVEEESSSS!!! (Door slam).

And there Wes sits shaking his head wondering what in the world just happened. Maybe you haven't been through this exact situation, but I can guarantee that if you have been married for any period of time, you have been the victim of this phenomenon.

Unspoken Expectations.

They can crop up at any moment and rear their ugly heads. It may be in the way your husband or wife responds to you during an argument. You expected them to treat you one way and they treated you a different way. It could be that they didn't realize that your plans were ruined when they came home late from work. Maybe it's that they don't say I love you enough or maybe they say it too much. Maybe one person feels like they are stuck doing all the work around the house while the other one goes off to play golf. We all come into relationships with our little lists of what we think our husbands and wives will be like. We also have a mental picture of how our lives will run on a daily, monthly or yearly basis. And when things don't turn out the way that we expect them to, whoa, watch out! Call the fire department! We are on fire!

I can't tell you how many times I have heard the following things:
"Well, I shouldn't have to tell her it hurts my feelings, she should already know."
"I told him two years ago that this is what I expected. I shouldn't have to keep reminding him."
"I just wish I could find someone who is more in tune to my needs."
"Maybe we shouldn't stick together because we are not on the same page anymore."

Have you ever stopped to think how selfish these attitudes are? Why is life suddenly all about us and our needs? And since when is it okay to throw away a relationship because the person just isn't meeting our needs? Relationships are about two people...not one!!

So, I propose a change needs to be made in the way we deal with one another. If your wife does something that bothers you, tell her. If your husband gets home from work late and ruins your plans, tell him. If you have an expectation that on your birthday you need to have a party complete with circus animals, let your spouse know this.

Let's stop being so mad at one another and take a hard look at ourselves and say "Well, was this a need that I expressed to him as being important?" And if you didn't, it's time to let him know! Don't be mad because he should JUST KNOW. Men are not mind readers.

In anticipation of this whole situation, I told Wes that this Mother's Day it would be really nice if he could make an extra effort to make it special. Not saying that he hasn't made this day special in the past but at this point in my life, I am feeling worn down. I need a day where someone takes time to say "Hey, we really appreciate you and love you." So, I didn't want the day to slip away and Wes possibly to forget (again, not saying he would have). I just don't want to ever set my husband up to fail. That's why I always remind him of birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, you name it. Because I know I would be hurt if he forgot one of these dates and I want to give him a fair shot.

In the end, I think we all owe it to each other to give one another a fair shot at success. So, next time your husband or wife does something that upsets you, please don't shove it down into your mental filing cabinet to be pulled out at a later date as ammunition. Tell him. Tell her.